Postcards from Nowhere

Up and down

Today has been an up and down day. All I can say is wow. It's amazing how people assume things and how dreams can be somewhat of a prediction. Life is no longer going to be the same. I don't know if it is a turn for the better or for the worse. It's just going to be different.

You know how sometimes you get this numb feeling when you're being talked to by someone. I had that feeling today. I didn't like it. The last time I had it was when my ex sent me an email a year after we broke up. If any of you are wondering the day, look it up. It's here somewhere...

Wasting life

Since getting my job, I feel as if I have been wasting my lkife. Is this what the work world does to yoiu? I don't want to be any part of it if it is. It seems that I feel like I "deserve" to be lazy when I work 24 really hard hours plus go to school two days a week. I know (not even that far) deep down that I really do not work that had and that I am wasting time pretending that I do. I've been watching a ton of television the past few days. I feel as if I just don't have anything to do, but really I do.

I still believe that writing is not a waste of time, it is completely constructive no matter what the subject, but lately I just have not had the omph to do it. I now have noticed things have gone on at Pan since I last was there, but I just do not have the want to write there anymore. I hate that I feel this way. I want to continue to participate there, but I just do not feel like doing it. I'm bored with life as it is.

People always have to find someone else to blame things on. It seems completely instinct. I have made a habit of not doing htis. I just admit, no need to lie. Now, only if everyone else in my family would do that.....

A quote to chew:
We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves.
~May Lamberton Becker (1873-1958) American writer and critic

I feel sick

I almost didn't make it to Design class. Ugghhh.... right before going I decided to check my email. Bad idea. There was a long, lenghthy letter from my ex boyfriend. I haven't talked to him in about a year even though we've seen each other once in a while. I don't know why I feel like this, but my stomach is in knots. It's getting worse the more I think about it.
He wanted to know how I'm doing, what I'm doing... stuff like that. He told me about all the stuff he's done, and his plans for the next couple years through college.
He also told me why he really broke up with me. Well, I was using him, so I would suppose the correct term would be why we broke up, and his end of the story. It was another girl, as if I cared. It didn't work for more than a week with her. I dated him for something like eight months, I've never counted. Anyway, so I guess he's only had one other girlfriend since her. No big surprise.
One thing he also said was that he thinks of me "often, all good." I think of him often too, but I have to say it's not all good. It's not as if he's a jerk or anything, he's really nice, it's just that he is not my type AT ALL. He is a military, churchy kind of guy. Don't get me wrong, I love a man in uniform and if they are the holy type that's great, but he's just... no, doesn't work for me.
I'm feeling better now that I've told you guys. I needed to get it out of me.

On to other things...
yeah, I don't like the new look either. Just not right. It looks much better on my monitor than it does here at school. I'm going to change it. And Lashlar- I don't really understand. The text should be in a grey box, so it shouldn't be hard to read...

Next, my photo. The paper came out today. It is a tiny little one, but it is on the front page and is color. The biggest problem is I didn't get credit under it, my name is back in the staff column, but that's okay. It's a start. I guess no one wrote an article to go with the pic. Maybe they'll print it again next week, but I doubt it. It will be old news by then.

Well, feeling a bit sick again. Later,
Kat

We lost!!!!!

Iowa State University lost to University of Iowa. It certainly is a rainy day now. We thought that we may lose, but I didn't EXPECT it! This is the largest game of the year. It is the one game that splits the whole state in two. I am disgusted. I can't even type I am so upset.

Advice- 5 cents

It seems that my friends always come to me for advice. Am I some mystical oracle or something? I do not seem to have some physical aura around me, but yet, I do seem to have something about me that people like to come to me to talk about things.

I do like to give advice, but like all good advice givers, I have to wonder if the advice I give is correct and sound. I do not want people to get hurt. It is that simple. I do not want their heads to get too large in high-hopes.

Plus it is always about love. *sigh* LOVE. The one area that I (and I suppose everyone else) knows so little of. Love is such a powerful thing. I know that it can mess you up.

Can people with sound heads, but little experience give good advice?

I think I should just open a little stand, rattle my can at passerbys, and give advice just like Lucy. But I can't remember... was her advice ever good?

Life is not quicksand

Have you ever had things happen to you that it just does not feel like that they actually happened? They just don't sink in? That is how I have felt all this week. Things have been going on, I have been participating, but yet- it just does not register.

First, the 4-H fair does not feel like it is over. It feels like there is another one really soon and this one was just a preview.

Second, on Tuesday, one of my sheep died while we were gone. I had to bury him on Wednesday morning. I don't really want to talk about it of course, but Wednesday morning felt like a whole different day from the rest.

Third, things that happened just days before the fair seem like a LONG time ago. Even going to see the movie on Saturday. That seems like it was a month ago.

Maybe it is because I have been so busy these last few days that it feels like they were really long. It is not as if they felt long when they were happening, it is just that it seems ages ago from say- Monday.

All in all, the fair went well. My communications 4-H promotions poster will be going onto the State Fair. My painting, which I will post sometime, got a blue ribbon (that's good). Did I already tell you that?

On Tuesday we took the llamas. I won Senior Showmanship, and did really well on the Obstacle Course. Not really well, but better than I thought I would....
Eric, my brother, won third Intermedite Showmanship.

On Wednesday Eric won best commercial rabbit, so he finally got a trophy. One of his chicken pens won second. I won at extemporaneous speaking, so I get to go to State for that. Extemp. speaking is when you go, get a topic, and then have half an hour to prepare a 4-6 minute speech. My speech was 5 minutes and 52 seconds long. The judge was impressed by that.

So all the excitment has sort of shadowed over the loss of my sheep, but that is okay. My dad was not happy about it.

Oh, and I may have sold two of my llamas. I've been wanting to sell them for quite a while. So, sorry, Mike! That also has made my dad in a much better mood. He had been in a really bad one for a few days, and then the sheep.... boy, I am surprised that he didn't explode even larger than he did...

It is hard for an oak to become an acorn again

When I entered junior high I was surrounded by teenages that insisted that they were "grown-up". So I decided that I must "grow-up" too. It is a mistake I regret because I ended up growing-up too much. I forgot what it meant to have fun. So in the past few months I have been trying to gain back the years of my childhood I let slip away.
It has not been easy having to live where there is no life to live. It is boring here. I need to start over somewhere else.
I don't think anywhere in Iowa will work. I think only a place out-of-state will. If I don't get into Yale, I greatly hope I get into Cottey in Missorri. There is not other way to make me happy.

Graduation blues

It kinda' stinks that my 50th entry has to be a downer, but I'm depressed.

May 24, 2003 the eve of your graduation
Dear Kelsey,
We have been friends for ten years. You have now graduated from high school, a turning point in your life. Congratulations. Even though I was not there for you, I always was whispering wishes into the wind for you. While I was shopping for your gift today I was always reminded of the times we had together. One of the first I have is in the second grade. We were bound to be close, we shared the same middle name! We were silly then. I remember us holding our pigtails into the air and pretending we were aliens with antennae. Second grade was the only year we were together in class, but that did not keep us from being friends. Another memory I have of us was girl scout camp. Lost in the woods without a compass, we were. Quite a few of us. I think this was sixth grade. Finally we found our way back to that great steep sand hill. We were all scared, but it was fun. I remember those late night slumber parties we had. Staying up almost all night watching movies and having "girl talk". I remember all the sports we were in together. I don't remember, but did we ever win any games? I remember all the pets you had. I was always jealous of you. And now, Lord behold, I have more than you ever had! I remember that we promised each other that when we turned one-hundred years old that we would buy each other silver convertible cars. Are we still going to do that? We were always dreaming of what we were going to do later in our life, and it was always together.

Then Junior High came. For some reason we drifted apart. We still saw each other often, but it just did not matter anymore. I believe we both worked on trying to keep things together, but it didn't work. Things just kept on getting in the way. We still had some good memories over those years. The boy that we both had a crush on, the show choir, band classes, the dances, and of course 4-H. Our interests changed, and so did our attitudes it seemed. Then I made some decisions, and my family made some decisions, we were ripped apart. Once a month was not enough. We are no longer best friends anymore, but I like to think that we are still lifelong friends. I want you to remember that I will always be here for you. Always. I would like to wish you the greatest luck in the rest of your life.
Your friend forever,
Katie

Muddied clouds

Today was a crappy day. It was great until about two o'clock when I was struck down.

The sun was nice, the breeze was nice, I was having a great day. My head was hurting a bit, but it did not bother me more than a slight annoyance. I was going about doing things. Then I came in for awhile. My body all of a sudden shut down. I needed to sleep. I became feverish. My stomach ached. My head pounded. I slept for at least four hours. My head still hurts. I don't know what is wrong. My ears hurt once in awhile. I fear that I caught something from my Grandmother.

Hopefully I will be better tomorrow.

Until next time,
Kate

I feel guilty

I've been mean to someone when they really need a hug.
I've been letting things go by because I don't care when I really should.
I've been letting my stubborness get in the way.
I've been wrong.
I have not been true to myself.
I feel guilty.

Later- 8:22 pm
I don't feel as guilty anymore. I helped a friend in crisis. She was grateful. I feel good.

Wishing again

I wish that I didn't get so easily excited at times. When I get excited I get foolish. I hate it. Sometimes I am just TOO silly. Yes, I believe you can be TOO silly. I love being silly, but sometimes I just feel like I'm being foolish. I often get embaressed when I'm excited.

People think that I'm shy. It is just because I don't fit in. I don't feel like I can be myself. People who really know me, that I am comfortable with, know that I am not a shy person. I am interesting, and I am loud. I am also foolish. That is my bane. I get excited, and I get foolish.

Nothing is forever

Not one thing lasts. No memory of you will be remembered forever. You may leave things in life, but you will be forgotten. I wander down dark halls and see portraits of old men. They were great at one time. They left their marks, and they left their pictures, but does anyone really care? Greased prints smear the plaque that hangs, making the two a pair. No one cares. No one remembers.

Great people die. Great things end. Nothing is forever.