Here I am. 2:45 in the afternoon. The college library. I'm looking around, watching people. Observing. I notice. It's a women's college; we get all sorts. Not just in interests, but also in shapes and colors. We have tall people, short people, skinny people, fat people. Every color of the world. But wait- go back- every shape.
I have gotten used to being white. (As if there is anything to get used to if you're white and in the continental US). But ... I have not gotten used to my shape. "Round is a shape." Well, okay. I'm not that bad, but I am overweight. I can admit that. It's in my butt and thighs. I hate it. I hate it with a passion.
But back to what I was saying. We all come in different shapes. I was thinking to myself- god, I would never look good in that top. I could never wear that. Then I actually opened my eyes. The girl I was looking at was no smaller than I am, and I thought she looked good. It hit me. I don't judge people on how they look, why would they do that to me?
Sure, there are some people that judge me on my looks, but I don't want to know those people. There's no need. I think I can find other people on this planet of 6.5 billion. I don't need them.
So-- I'm okay with my shape, now. Sure, it could use improvement, but I don't really hate it anymore. Now I just hate other bits of me that are going to take a lot more than a simple observation in a library to get over.
Dearest Dave,
Yes, I knew you meant your passport. *L* It just reminded me that I need to get mine. I guess I didn't make it clear that you had reminded me.
Shazda and I spent quite a bit of time in Design just talking about what we're going to do now. We are not happy. She's seriously thinking about moving to Canada to start, then somewhere else. It's not good when a lot of the future workforce of America is talking about moving out of the country. So, let's see ... Leslie, Ang, Shazda, Courtney, and me. We're just a handful of students that are talking this way. We're sick of paying a lot of money for tutition, taking classes that we don't need, then finding we don't have a job once we graduate. It's not that way in Europe. A lot of schools do not have tutition, you take only classes required for your field, and yes, it is still hard to find a job, but at least there are some.
I've had CSPAN running on my computer all day. Bush is about to make his speech. I'm trying to decide whether to leave it on and listen to the ass, or whether to turn it off and save myself some grief. Courtney and I have made a date to cry tomorrow when I get out of German. Life has been really stressful for us for many reasons. Her moreso than me, but that's only because you're a lot more ... you're better than Cory. More mature, more caring, better. Courtney tried to get Cory to read the play also. He refused. She's disappointed in him. He's a "theatre geek," too. Courtney just does not understand. They had a fight, and then Cory called a couple hours later, acting as if everything should be fine, but Courtney was still ticked off at him. I had thought about what I would have acted like if you had outright refused to read it. I think I would have been disappointed, but I would have been fine with it. It's the whole overlapping circles thing. I know that you don't like assigned reading, and I know you don't like everything that I like. I'm fine with that. I almost treasure our differences as much as I treasure the things we have in common. Every bit of you is wonderful in some way. I miss you, honey. I miss you, Dave.
Today has been hard. Not physically, but mentally. Most of it is because we're coming into another four years of uncertainty. I want to be there with you. Another thing Shazda and I talked about today was about Cottey as a school. I *love* Cottey. You know that. But ... I don't know if I want to spend another year here. I'm not sure. I need to take an inventory of all the good things, and all the bad. Problem is-- a lot of the bad things wouldn't be solved by going to a different school in the US. They're all the same when it comes to the things I don't like. At a lot of them, the problems are even worse. Really, the only thing in my bad list that would be fixed by going to a different school in the US is that I would be with you.
I wonder if you remember something I told you way back in June. I said that I knew I loved a person if I could spend months apart from that person and still love them. I still believe that.