Every month, the AQOTM contest gives us the finest example of wit and/or wisdom in the newsgroup for that month. This month, we are fortunate to have the best of both worlds. Tied for first place with 8 votes apiece, please congratulate our August winners . . .
MICHAEL PAINTER and 'THAN!!!

--2--
"My intensive study of the subject has led to the following conclusion. There can't be more than one christian. Everybody else will go to hell. When that christian dies he will go to heaven and his first duty will be to have a Long talk with god. There is some very slight possibility that he will let god stay."

Written by Michael Painter
Nominated by Scott Davidson, seconded by Michelle Malkin

--14--
"I take a strong interest in religion because it is an evil and destructive presence in society. It promotes ignorance as the highest truth, and blind obediance to what your church tells you as the highest virtue. It preaches guilt for thought-crime, condemns people for healthy, normal activities, and murders those that hold different beliefs. It cripples the mind, oppresses the soul, and enslaves the body."

Written by 'Than

Nominated by Medival Knevil, seconded by Aaron Spielman

Second place goes to Eric's judo attack on Boatwright, with 6 votes. Tied for third with 5 votes apiece are ClayeSkye and St. Jackanape.
Congratulations to the winners, and to all nominees! Here is the voting record, along with my own words of wisdom.

--1--
"Picture this, you're a theist sitting at your computer for hours. You stare blankly at the screen trying desperately to come up with some irrefutable arguement to make athiests see the error of their ways. Now picture this, the shame on your face after you realize that this crap was the best you could do."

Written by ClayeSkye

Nominated by Aaron Spielman, seconded by Steve Knight

VOTES: 5
Therion Ware
Astrowiz
Fish
Landis D. Ragon
Dave Holloway

[Not particularly sporting, perhaps, but I chose to vote for it because I think that says it all. -QM]

* * * *
--2--
"My intensive study of the subject has led to the following conclusion. There can't be more than one christian. Everybody else will go to hell. When that christian dies he will go to heaven and his first duty will be to have a Long talk with god. There is some very slight possibility that he will let god stay."

Written by Michael Painter

Nominated by Scott Davidson, seconded by Michelle Malkin

VOTES: 8
Elf Sternberg
dotcom
Tom Murray
HR Gruemm
John Popelish
Brian King
Roy Thearle
Tom Stoudt

[But only if He's lucky, and doesn't hog all the Oreo's. -QM]

* * * *
--3--
"What makes me an atheist is that I don't serve or worship such things not specific claims about specific gods or spirits. Someone who worships the divine Caligula would not call themselves and atheist or be accepted by those who do. I regard worship as demeaning and degrading. Worship is a betrayal of basic humanity. I would worship under the same conditions that fellow atheist Suetonius worshiped the divine Caligula. A knife at my throat. It has to be a real knife, knife in the sky doesn't cut it."

Written by Charles Fiterman

Nominated by Red Celt, seconded by CTTheGreat

VOTES: 2
Clothaire
Decimal

* * * *
--4--
(In response to:)
> > >A string of long coincidences which prevents a person from being in a
> > >certain place at a certain time when a bomb goes off. An atheist
> > >looks at that and says it's sheer coincidence. A theist looks at it
> > >and says it's "God's hand" in that person's life, pointing to the
> > >long string of unlikely coincidences. Your interpretation of the
> > >"evidence" depends on your belief.
"The average atheist looks at this claim and its attendant consequences and concludes that it is not only reasonable to claim coincidence but it would be immoral to conclude anything else. God allowing one to live while others die a horrible death is just the question of evil writ large and continues to shore up the conclusion that the universe is uncaring."

Written by Elf Sternberg

Nominated by Petteri Sulonen, seconded by Michelle Martin

VOTES: 1
Darryl Pierce

* * * *
--5--
(In response to:)
> >>Nor will they succeed. Atheists are happy living in a world without a
> >>"god". Only when people have a personal crisis do they express
> >>interest in eternal matters.
"Nonsense. I've been through a number of serious personal crises and never wished for "God" to help me; after all, he's never helped anyone else who's ever cried out for help either. Remember, that for every "atheist" who cries out for God when push comes to shove, there are ten theists who, when faced with mortal danger, *act* rather than pray that God will "do the right thing." There may be few atheists in foxholes, but there are damned few theists who put their trust in God above jumping in."

Written by Elf Sternberg

Nominated by Michelle Martin, seconded by Aaron Spielman

VOTES: 4
Pat Kiewicz
Czar
LP
Paul the Wall

[I think the appropriate question to ask is, are there any THEISTS in foxholes? -QM]

* * * *
--6--
"I especially love it when some god-on-a-stick worshipper says they are going to pray for me. they'd be better off just masturbating in the bathroom, because it has pretty much the same result--it only makes you feel good for a bit."

Written by Medival Kneviel

Nominated by Ichimusai, seconded by John Hattan

VOTES: 1
Tukla Ratte

* * * *
--7--
"Whether the bigotry is aimed at blacks, women, or homosexuals it all comes to the same result. Miring humanity in a bog for a few more decades. The sooner we can get our feet free, the sooner we can make some progress."

Written by Bonesoup

Nominated by Aaron Spielman, seconded by Michelle Malkin

VOTES: 1
Kalle Helenius

* * * *
--8--
"Oh that Yaweh. He's sort of the Mr. Magoo of deities."

Written by Andrew Lias

Nominated by Dave Holloway, seconded by Frank Wustner

VOTES: 1
Jack Thornton

* * * *
--9--
(In response to the question, "What would you do if you were God?")
"I would take the Orion Nebula and spell out the words (in American colloquial English, of course) "Boatwright, you're wrong. Get over it."

Written by Eric

Nominated by RandallG, seconded by Dave Holloway

VOTES: 6
Carl Funk
Dark Angel
Yang Hu
Keith Brannen
Elroy Willis
Ed Stoebenau

[I doubt that would have any effect. It's quite obvious that Boatwright doesn't really give a whit about God; he's playing the game for his own sake. Spouting forth on Usenet is to him what solitary fertility rites are to most other people. Ever notice how his caps lock key occasionaly seems to get sticky? -QM]

* * * *
--10--
"Atheism offers a festive non-prophet freedom from fright for the futuristic, the bold, and the brave. Theism offers clueless prophet/profit-driven freedomless fright for the fearful, the fainthearted, and the forlorn. Which do you prefer?"

Written by Dan Fake

Nominated by Aaron Spielman, seconded by Diem Marshall

VOTES: 3
Diem Marshall
Aaron Spielman
Angelico

[Atheism is indeed a non-prophet organization. -QM]

* * * *
--11--
"If I was the devil: I would be a radio demagouge. I would explain the inherent justice of impressing one groups' theology over all other groups. And watch as the society decays from internal oppression."

Written by Yang Hu

Nominated by Charles Ward, seconded by Aaron Spielman

VOTES: 1
Liz

* * * *
--12--
"Christianity has kept alive a perverse version of the Old Jewish War God, but put a hideous yellow smiley face upon his Ugly Mug."

Written by St. Jackanape

Nominated by Eric, seconded by Frank Wustner

VOTES: 5
Peter Kelly
Nemo
Michelle Malkin
Frank Wustner
Eric99gt

[Even though you were perfectly moral and decent your entire life, because of your stance on an obscure metaphysical question, I sentence you to an eternity in Hell. Have a nice day! -QM]

* * * *
--13--
"Anyone who would "hate god" would be a theist by definition. You can't hate something that you don't believe exists."

Written by John Hattan

Nominated by Shyone, seconded by Dave Holloway

VOTES: 3
Shyone
Michelle Martin
Tom Stoudt

* * * *
--14--
"I take a strong interest in religion because it is an evil and destructive presence in society. It promotes ignorance as the highest truth, and blind obediance to what your church tells you as the highest virtue. It preaches guilt for thought-crime, condemns people for healthy, normal activities, and murders those that hold different beliefs. It cripples the mind, oppresses the soul, and enslaves the body."

Written by 'Than

Nominated by Medival Knevil, seconded by Aaron Spielman

VOTES: 8
John Hattan
Medieval Knievel
Joe Zawadowski
Sylvan Korvus
Craig Hoyer
Dan McEwen
Jeff Heidman
Charles Ward