Basketlander


by Henry Wyckoff
(summer 1998)



Standard disclaimers apply



Joe was busy washing dishes in his bar, and was interrupted from his routine by someone he knew well but rarely saw nowadays. He'd practically raised the young man, and it was a shock to see that he wasn't all that young anymore.

"Hey, Jim, what's up?"

Jim's look was grave. "We got an update for you from a field agent in Wisconsin. He's seen something new, and it's not all that good."

"Let me see it." Joe dropped the glass he was washing back into the sink and dried his hands. A moment later, he was reading the top secret memo.

*

TO: Joe Dawson (Rank: General Manager of American Watchers)
FR: F--------- (Rank: Field Chronicler)
RE: Recent disturbances in Wisconsin DA: -----

Joe, we have a serious problem here in Wisconsin. Two young immortals, Coop and Remer, have turned immortal combat upside-down. Here's an example of what happened a month ago when they got kicked out of a party they crashed. They were killing a few moments outside the house, shooting the breeze while decapitating the occasional innocent passerby and mulling about the fact that they were a couple of losers.

Coop: "You know, we're pretty good at this." [Hacks off head from girl scout selling cookies, snickering as Remer finishes off second scout.]

Remer: "Yeah, except for all that running around and jumping stuff. Leave that to Duncan MacLeod, I say."

Coop nods: "How does he manage to do that in a winter trenchcoat and with a hidden full-length katana?"

Before Remer can speculate, two beefed-up jocks and apparent immortals challenge them to a game of decapitation: "I'll bet you twenty we can knock off your heads!"

Coop snaps back: "Oh yeah? I'll bet you fifty!"

"You're on!"

The two jocks practice their moves on some innocent passersby, and the two losers stare with dropped jaws.

Remer: "We don't have fifty bucks!"

Coop: "We don't have twenty. Besides, what'll it matter if we're already dead? What are they going to do, take our wallets?"

One jock is pretty irritated: "Are you on or what?"

Coop: "Yeah, but not that sissy stuff!"

"What then?"

"This new game we picked up in the hood!"

After a bit of hesitant explaining of the rules (it's quite apparent the losers are making things up as they go along), they get started. Apparently it's a cross between cutting off heads and baseball. One guy has to stand still while the other one cuts off his head.

The jock is laughing to his friend and their girlfriends behind him: "This should be a cinch!" Just before he makes the final swing, Coop spits a mouthful of cheap beer at the guy's crotch, making him miss.

"What the hell! You can't do that!"

Coop responds off the wind, "Sure I can. I can do anything to make you miss."

The game gets interesting after that. Coop and Remer are losers, but masters at the 'psych-out' and are soon chopping off limbs while retaining all of theirs. Apparently an arm is a 'single', a leg a 'double', a collarbone or kneecap a 'triple', and a decapitation a 'home run'.

The other jock tries to aim a well-placed swing to the neck, but just as he makes the move, Remer yells out: "I hear your sister watched Highlander 2 and loved it!" As you could possibly imagine, the shock of being reminded about that movie, let alone being informed that a loved one was really into it -- it results in the jock fumbling the swing and throwing it in the direction of an annoying little brat with long blond hair that we all know pretty well.

A bystander screams: "Oh my God, you killed Kenny! You bastards!"

Death comes to the jock in the next round as Coop says: "Pat Boone!" The shock results in chopping off his own head.

Just as the Quickening comes, Coop and Remer are booing and pointing their thumbs down: "Boo! Even worse than that helicopter scene in 'DNA'! Couldn't the film guys come up with a better fast motion editor?"

Needless to say, these two leave the scene of death frustrated, because while they won the game, 'the babes' are too occupied in mourning the deaths of their boyfriends. What scares me the most is that this episode steeled their hearts into focusing on what they call 'Baseketlander.' They even have thoughts of expanding this to the whole world.

It's frightening! Can you imagine the possibilities when a weakling sniveller like Cimmoli can fairly compete with the Kurgan? Those big boys may be able to eat rocks for lunch, but those psych-outs will kill them! Even more, the elimination of all that running around and jumping will totally ruin the respectability of a good fight! The next thing you know, the people wanting to be Watchers will be computer science majors who watch South Park!

-- End Memo --

*

Joe was troubled. This was indeed a problem. Imagine what might happen if someone like Methos caught on to the game!

The End

(Maybe not. Wait until a former CIA spy tries to make money off Coop and Remer!)



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