IN THE NICK OF TIME
By NICK NARIGON

Your 2009 Hawkeyes

The 2009 Iowa Hawkeyes are wildly predictable.

They let their opponents score first and eventually go up to double digits by the second quarter. Then Iowa scores just before half to make it a one score game going into the break.

In the third quarter the Hawkeyes tie up the game on either a blocked field goal returned for a touchdown/freak interception returned for a touchdown/punt return for a touchdown. The Hawkeyes look poised to take over the game when Ricky Stanzi decides to throw the ball to the other team to put the Hawks in another double-digit deficit.

Finally, with the clock running down, Stanzi seemingly forgets the past 45 minutes of disastrous play and leads a miraculous drive and throws for a touchdown as time expires.

It’s straight out of the Drew Tate playbook. It is a formula that has worked for the Hawkeyes during the Kirk Ferentz reign.

It is also the reason why five years of my life is taken away each time I watch the Iowa Hawkeyes play. It is the reason why I have to unclog a red bird’s nest of hair from my shower drain every morning.

I mean, I thought I had the Hawkeyes figured out. I wasn’t going to get stressed anymore when the third string running back goes down with an injury and they bring in another slow guy from Iowa to carry the ball against the quickest defenders in the Big 10.

I’m not going to pull on my hair when they bring in a freshman kicker to boot a game-winning 45-yard field goal against the number one team in the country.

This is the way Kirk Ferentz coaches football and it is exciting and he wins. So far every week this year.

Last Saturday’s 48-24 win over Indiana was just par for course. Sure, the starting quarterback will throw five interceptions, four of them in the third quarter, but they will still win.

My friend Marc, who lives in Des Moines, and I texted each other back and forth during the game. This was our exchange in the second quarter:

Marc: What’s happening? Can u help me?

Me: They will score here and go into half down only 1 TD.

Marc: That’s funny. I just said those same exact words to Jason. Let’s cross some fingers.

(Hawkeyes score touchdown)

Me: There U go baby!

Marc: TD, baby. It’s like watching the same game every week.

Me: Now that I am used to it my heart is not racing as fast.

Marc: Every game, it’s like dating a crazy person. Do I love Stanzi or hate him?

Me: I thought I could handle it, but they’re killing me!

I really thought I could handle it. I thought I had the Hawkeyes figured out, yet, I still find myself jumping up and down, cursing out Ricky Stanzi, yelling glory hallelujah to Ricky Stanzi, every single emotion goes through me over a silly football game.

I think by the Ohio State game most of the Hawkeye Nation will be on life support.