Translator

Queen's English To American English Translation Guide

I was the ugly American living in London trying to fit in and comprehend what was going on around me. I always thought the English were reserved, prim, proper, etc, but boy was I in for a shock. The English way of life is much more like Monty Python than Masterpiece Theater, at least from personal experience.

Soooo, after struggling for 9 years to understand the Queen’s English, and my ex-husband’s own unique version of it, I have decided to compile a quick guide to help others with the same problem.

By the way, Cockney Rhyme & Slang is a whole other language they speak. That’s a job for another day…….

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English Terminology	Type	Definition	Example
Cheeky monkey	Description	If you call someone a cheeky monkey, it usually means they are being a bit too forward, bordering on obnoxious.	I take the last beer from the fridge and pretend like I’m going to drink it, my hubby would call me a cheeky monkey then take it away from me
Gets on my tits	Complaining	Gets on my nerves	That referee really gets on my tits.
Wanker/Tosser/Prat	Derogatory	Asshole, sometimes accompanied with arm movement similar to shaking dice before rolling	"He’s a wanker, he’s a wanker, and it serves him good as it bloody well should."
The C word	Derogatory	Big time asshole, differs from the US version in that we tend to use it to refer to females who are really bitchy. In England, guys use it more to name call other guys.	That c*** nearly spilled my beer!
Blinding	Description	Really cool, job well done or good sports performance.	He’s a blinding geezer!
Geezer	Description	In the US, we refer to males who are "of a certain age" as geezers, whereas in England they just refer to any guy as a geezer.	See above
Bloke	Description	Reference to a guy	He’s a top bloke!
Mate	Description	Friend	He’s my best mate, he doesn’t hit me when I puke in his car!
Bender/Poof	Description	Homosexual male, US equivalent is fag	You can tell he’s a poof by his handbag. It matches his eyeshadow.
Fag	Addiction	Cigarette	Fancy a fag?
Fancy	Inclination	Means feel like	See above
Fancy dress	Event	Costume party	I need help designing my tampon costume for the fancy dress party, got any string?
Pub	Place	Drinking establishment	"We’re goin’ down the pub!"
Off License (Offy)	Place	Liquor store	Don’t forget to get fags at the offy!
Piss/plonk	Drink	Beer or other alcoholic beverage of choice	Bring some piss over with you when you come.
Pissed	State of being	Drunk	He must be pissed, he normally doesn’t watch the home shopping network.
Pissed as a fart	State of being	Drunk as a skunk	I got pissed as a fart, fell over and knocked my front teeth out.
Pisshead	Description	Person who drinks a lot, an alcoholic perhaps	That pisshead, he passed out on the bus and ended up in Peckham, again!
Pisser	Exasperation	Used to express disappointment or exasperation or both	The price of beer is going up again, what a pisser!
It’s not cricket	Correcting	What you have just done is not proper	I can’t believe he just dropped his pants in the supermarket, that’s not cricket
Dubry	Description	Whatchamacallit	I’ve lost the dubry….. You know, the dubry….. Oh never mind.
Football	Sport	We call it soccer	The English say: It’s football, not soccer, the WHOLE WORLD plays it. It’s not like your American football with your girlie crash helmets and padding.
Slapper/Tart	Derogatory	Woman of ill repute, similar to ho	She’s such a slapper, she gets her clothes at "Tarts R Us"
Bollocks	Multiple	This is my personal favorite, rolls off the tongue nicely. Used in much the same way we Americans use the word shit.	Multiple uses: bollock brain (shit for brains), dog’s bollocks (shit hot), oh bollocks (oh shit), load of bollocks (you get the point by now!)
Quid	Money	Slang for money, like buck	I’ll give you a quid if you turn off that damn pop music.
Skint	Lack of money	Broke	Sorry mate, I still can’t pay you back the 50 quid I owe you, I’m skint.
Ponce	Description	Person who never seems to have any money and tends to borrow things too	He still hasn’t bought a round, what a ponce!
Bugger	Exasperation	The literal meaning is sodomy, but it’s generally used to indicate exasperation	Oh bugger, I forgot to get beer!
Shag	Activity	Screw	My first shag was in a Reliant Robin
Reliant Robin	Automobile	3-wheeled car	See above
The Tube	Transportation	London’s subway system, the oldest in the world	Oh no, there’s a drunk begging on the Tube, quick let’s get off here.
Snog	Activity	Smooch	I’m not snogging you until you brush your teeth!
Wind	Bodily function	Gas	I’ve got terrible wind!
Break wind	Bodily function	Fart	Damn, you coulda opened the window before you broke wind!
Rubbish	Yuck	Trash	Husband to wife: That’s not rubbish, that’s my beer mat collection!
Bin	Object	Trash can	Stephanie put the remote in the bin again, your turn to get it out!
Dummy	Object	Pacifier	Emily, don’t put your dummy in the toilet!
Nappy	Yuck	Diaper	Either you macaronied your pants, or Zoe needs a new nappy!
Sprog	Description	Child	One of our sprogs spilled raisins in here, at least it looks like raisins, ewwwwww, Zoe!
Knickers	Clothing	Women’s underpants	Wife to husband: Get my knickers off your head!
Y-Fronts	Clothing	Men’s briefs	Because of the state of his Y-Fronts, the kids call him Captain Skidmark.
This is pants	Derogatory	This is really awful	The Backstreet Boys are absolute pants!
Loo/Bog/Head	Object	Toilet	I need to puke, hope I can make it to the loo!
I’ve pulled	Expression	Got lucky, in the picked someone up at the bar kinda way	Pick up line to use on a nice looking member of the opposite sex: "Get your coat, you’ve pulled."
Whinge	Action	To complain/bitch/moan	Stop whinging you miserable prat!
Hoover	Object	Vacuum cleaner	That Hoover is so good, it can suck the snot out of dead cat’s nose!
Up the duff	State of being	Pregnant, similar to bun in the oven	She’s up the duff again? What a slapper!
Happy Harry	State of being	Very miserable person	I see Happy Harry’s throwing a wobbly again.
Throwing a wobbly	Activity	Throwing a fit	See above
Mucky Mary	State of being	Unclean person	I see Mucky Mary dribbled beer down her blouse again.
Oi!	Exclamation	Like shouting "Hey!"	Oi! Sparky, let go of that chicken!
Sparky	Animal	The neighbor’s dog	Just to clarify the above, Sparky got ahold of a roast chicken in our kitchen.
Holiday	Activity	Vacation	We had a lovely holiday in Spain, I got burnt like a chip.
Chips	Food	French fries	See above
Chippie	Place	Restaurant that sells fish & chips, generally	He was ever so upset when he drunkenly stumbled on the curb outside the chippie and dropped all his food.
Crisps	Food	Potato chips	Girls, wait until Nan puts her teeth back in to give her a packet of crisps.
Biscuit	Food	Cookie	We’ll never get all of the biscuit out of the video player, but at least is still works
Sarnie	Food	Sandwich	Want a bacon sarnie? OK, will you make me one too?
Telly	Object	Television	Wish they’d stop playing that crap pop music on the telly.
Settee	Object	Couch	She needs to get her fat ass off the settee for a change, there are permanent imprints.
Take away	Description	Carry out	He has to get his food to take away because of his behavior on the previous occasion in the restaurant, similar to the supermarket incident.
Chemist	Place	Pharmacy	He went to the Chemist to get something to clear up his little problem.
High Road/Street	Place	Similar to referring to Main Street	She’s down the High Road trying to drum up some business.
Plonker/Knob/Nonce	Description	Idiot	You plonker, of course she took your wallet. You met her down the High Road.
Gobshite	Description	Someone who talks a load of crap	Stop talking bollocks you gobshite!
Bonnet	Object	Hood of a car	Why must he look under the bonnet like he knows how to fix it?
Boot	Object	Trunk of a car	She left her bum prints on the boot. What was she doing on there?
Bum	Body Part	Butt	See above
Randy	Description	Horny	Wife to Husband: He's Randy. Husband: Bloody well keep him away from me, I'm not a poof!
Chuffed/Stoked	Description	Happy	He was dead chuffed to find out he doesn't have the pox.
Slash	Bodily function	Have a pee	I'm dying for a slash, but there's a line for the bog.
Ta/Cheers	Expression	Thank you	Ta very much for the pain killers, I was sooooo pissed last night.
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Slagging off	Activity	Make fun of someone, sometimes in a bad way	Stop slagging me off or I'll have to give you a slap!
Lift	Object	Elevator	His lift definitely doesn't go to the top floor!