Recently, a routine police patrol was parked outside a local neighborhood bar in Russell, KS. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly watching. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patron left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


    You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

    At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
    The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

    A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted".
    Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

    When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

    Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

    A woman is incomplete until she is married.
    Then she is finished.

    A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
    And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

    Young son: Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
    Dad: That happens in every country, son.

    Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."

    Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

    If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

    Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

    You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.

    Husband: Want a quickie?
    Wife: As opposed to what?

    First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
    Second guy:” You’re lucky, mine's still alive."

    Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
    and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex
    Light weight pumpkin!

      A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

      Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful
      to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

      The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very
      materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
      bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire
      for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

      The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.
      I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment,
      why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

      The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
      Two sandwiches walk into a bar. First one says to the bartender, "Two beers please."
        Bartender says to them, "Sorry, we don't serve food."
        How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Minnesota?
          Anywhere else, it would be a teethbrush.
          Question: What is a bastard exactly?

          Quite often we ask ourselves hard to answer questions, like, "What is a bastard?"

          And we wax philosophic with metaphysical postulations, incomplete aphorisms, and inconsistent sophisms that make
          one more and more sure that the only true thing is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

          In this photo, the guy on the right is a member of a bomb squad in the middle of a deactivation.

          The guy behind him, well, he's a bastard.